Redemption
by ProfessorCactustheThird
Summary: When Toby knocks at Happy's door really late at night, a rambling and self-hating mess, because the past week has been the hardest of their lives and he almost broke his promise
_Based off the little idea babble I posted on my tumblr (wrenchbouquet) that was originally just seven lines, that somehow spawned into this three-section fic because I just can't stop writing these two when they are hurting_

 _(The summary is about the second time frame of this fic, in case you're lost .)_

* * *

Happy woke up the next morning to, for the first time since they had started staying over, an empty bed. She briefly considered going back to sleep, but there was too much rustling in the apartment for her to ignore. Pulling on another of Toby's old college shirts, she glanced down the hallway to see him practically turning the living room on its head, digging up random scraps of paper and ripping them apart before stuffing them into a garbage bag.

She stared at him blankly for a moment, about to quip how 5.25 in the morning wasn't exactly the best time for a spring cleaning, before the sleep filtered out of her mind just enough for her to remember what transpired on the roof the previous night. Happy watched as he opened the DVD drawer where she had seen a worryingly large pile of bookie slips the other night, and snatched them all out, repeating the same harsh treatment to them.

Happy ducked back behind the bedroom door, not wanting him to see her before she wrapped her head around this. Toby was actually keeping his word, moving to strip gambling out of his life forever. She wasn't stupid, she didn't need his training to know that stopping cold turkey was easier said than done. But just seeing this today, it gave her all the confidence she needed to know that he was going to fight to keep her, keep them, and she knew she was more than willing to fight with him.

"Hey," she said, having quietly walked over and hugging him from behind.

Toby jumped at the feeling of her cold hands around his bare torso, but turned in her arms to wrap his own around her, kissing her softly. "Hey,"

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" she yawned, nuzzling into his chest.

Toby shrugged, "Wanted to get rid of these as fast as I can. Plus my head is throbbing like crazy, there's no way I can sleep."

Happy pulled back slightly, concerned, and brushed her fingers along his forehead. "That bad?"

"Well, the last time I was pistol whipped was a few years back, forgot how much fun it was." He tried to joke it off.

She winced at his latest off-hand reminder of his past but another yawn swallowed her answer and he pulled her back against him, smirking into her hair, "Even Miss Early Bird has a limit, huh?"

"Saving the Aztecs and, uh, celebrating that, it takes it toll on a girl." Her grin was sloppy, sleep blurring her words.

"Go back to sleep Hap, I'll come soon." He stroked a hand through her hair to lull her but she shook her head, needing him to know that he would not be doing this on his own.

"I'm okay. I can help," she replied, despite sagging against him even further.

"Uh-huh." He smiled, heartened. "Thank you sweetheart, but you should at least have some coffee."

Toby returned from the kitchen to see Happy sitting on the coffee table, trying to piece together some torn papers he hadn't thrown away yet. His heart warmed as it always did when he saw her, least of all in only his shirt, and he couldn't believe how close he had come to losing her. Again.

"Hap," he started as he sat beside her and handed her the mug, but she shook her head to motion for him to stop.

Happy had no doubt that he was beating himself up about how his words and actions had affected her- and they had, there was no denying it. But she also needed him to know that his determination to become better for her was making her feel infinitely safer and more confident in him.

"Thank you for doing this," she said so softly he almost couldn't hear her. "I… nobody has ever tried this hard for me."

"I'd die for you all over again Hap," he said sincerely, needing her to know how much she means to him, so much that even he himself still wasn't able to quantify it. Despite all his years of psych training, he still couldn't believe that the human heart and mind was capable of feeling even a fraction of how much he felt for her. "I'll do whatever it takes for us. I love you. So much."

Happy nodded and leaned against him in response, accepting those words a little more every time he said them but still unable to verbalize them herself.

* * *

 _Two weeks later_

Settling down to sleep that night felt weird, the bed was a little too big, too cold. The team's latest case had ended with them split in two groups at opposite corners of the city, and Happy and Toby had decided to stay at their own places for the night, for the first time in a while. She briefly considered calling and asking him to come over, but he, Walter and Cabe had had the more physically demanding half of the job and she didn't want to trouble him.

She was pulled out of her semi-consciousness when someone started knocking on her door. Her mind flashed back to the time Walter almost barged in on them at Toby's place after the earthquake and she swore she was going to kill him if he was doing it again.

Happy was so deep planning a million ways to murder Walter without leaving any forensic or circumstantial evidence, that she even forgot to check the peephole before opening the door to- "Toby?"

"Hey Hap," he said weakly, offering her a weary smile.

She frowned at how lifeless he seemed, but chalked it up to him being tired from the case. "Can't even go one night without seeing me huh?" She grinned, turning around to lead him inside. A few steps in and she realized he still hadn't sprinted after her and spun her from behind as he usually does.

Turning back, she saw he was still leaning heavily against the doorframe, almost as if trying to hide from her behind it.

"Hey," she softened, knowing that something was definitely not right. "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry Hap," he started. "God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to- I mean I didn't. I _didn't_. But I thought about it and I knew that if I stayed at home I'd probably lose you and I can't- I can't do that. Happy, I'm so-"

"Woah hey," she stepped out of her apartment, holding his hands in hers to try and stop the trembling. She had never seen him like this before. "I already told you that you're not going to lose me, why would you even think that?"

"And I told you that I wouldn't do it again- and Happy I _swear_ I didn't-" He was becoming more erratic, more desperate. " But I couldn't help thinking about it and thinking about it means you're already halfway there and-"

Happy's heart sank as she understood what he was talking about. He had been doing pretty well since that case with Cabe's friend and the biohazard, but the past week had been a whirlwind of more near-death experiences than they were used to that even Walter 'I-Don't-Feel-Fear' O'Brien had become unsettled.

"Toby," she started, and he almost interrupted her with another round of frantic rambling, so she leaned up to kiss him quickly and led him inside to settle on the couch.

"I shouldn't be here," Toby was practically muttering to himself now, and Happy wasn't sure if he was even registering her presence in his current state of mind. He sat tensed up on the edge of the couch as if preparing to run at any time. "I almost ruined everything, I don't deserve to be here, I-"

"You're right," Happy said abruptly and he choked. "But the key word is 'almost'. You didn't let yourself go through with it, Doc. You could have stayed at home and gone online, or you could have made different turns on the road to go back to your old haunts, but you didn't. You came here, to me, and right now that's all I can ask for."

"I'll always come to you, Hap." He promised quietly and she nodded, shifting onto his lap so he would have to hold her, and not be able to pick harshly at his nails.

"You know I'm not the best at this but, uh, do you want to tell me what happened?"

He smiled a little at that, "That's my line."

Happy shrugged lightly. "What can I say, you're rubbing off on me."

He held his smile for a second longer before burying his face in her neck, and she felt her skin getting damp. "Toby?"

"This past week was so bad, Hap." His voice was muffled through his tears and her hair. "I almost lost you so many times, and in trying to get over that I almost lost you in the worst way."

"Hey," she pushed him back to look him in the eyes. "What have I told you about you losing me?"

"That I won't. But-"

"But _nothing_. This week was horrible for all of us, and I understand how you almost cracked… I almost did too," she confessed, because this was _Toby_ and if she couldn't even open up to him then there really wasn't a point anymore.

"You did?" Toby frowned, his own issues taking a back seat in his mind, as helping her became his first and only priority. Sitting up straighter, he pulled her closer to him, brushing her hair out of her face. "Sweetheart, why didn't you tell me?"

Happy paused, still hesitant to confess aloud things she barely admitted to herself. But looking up at him, seeing how he had pushed back his own pain to do anything, everything, to make her feel better again, she knew she owed him at least that much. "I thought of running, leaving for a while until I could get a grip on everything again, but I realized I don't need to run to sort myself out, not anymore."

She smiled up at him, playing with the zipper on his jacket. "Because I know you're here, that I have you. And what could be more stable than that?"

He gazed at her, fresh tears forming in his eyes. "But I almost ruined it all."

"But you _didn't_." She insisted again. It broke her heart as she started to realize just how much Toby was blaming himself, and how ill-equipped she was to help him even a fraction of how much he was helping her. "I know it's not easy to quit so abruptly, and you can't stop the thoughts from coming. And it's _okay_. Because none of us are perfect Toby, but you having the strength to come here instead of doing anything stupid, it's more than anyone has ever done for me."

Toby buried his face in her hair again. "I love you. God, I love you so much Happy, but I don't deserve you-"

"The only way you don't deserve me is if you're too good for me," she said, running a hand through his curls, and he looked up in disbelief. "Like I said, you've done more for me these past few weeks than anyone has ever done in my life. And I've gotten used to not expecting anything-"

"Don't." He said seriously. "Don't you ever say that Hap, because if anyone deserves better here it's you, okay? The things that happened to you were out of your control, I fucked up all by myself."

"But you're making it better all by yourself too." She soothed, bringing his knuckles to her lips. "I'm always here, you know that, but you're the one who burnt those slips on the roof, kept your word these past weeks, came here tonight. I… I don't know if I would've been able to do all that."

He looked at her, unable to believe everything that had just happened. When he knocked on her door he was sure she was going to yell at him, probably hit him, and tell him to leave. And that was the best case scenario.

"Why would you even think that?" She asked quietly, and it was only then he realized he had been thinking aloud.

He shrugged. "Because I was one step away from screwing up everything."

"But you didn't take that step." She sighed and hugged him tighter, willing to trade her soul if it would take away his self-loathing and make him see how proud she was for his strength through all this. "How many more times do I have to say that you did everything right, the best you could have, before you understand that yourself?"

"I probably never will," he muttered softly before raising his eyes back to her. "But thank you Hap."

She nuzzled against him, grateful that she could smell him and only him, and not the musty, stale smoke of the shady bars and holes in the wall that he had the habit of sometimes disappearing into in the weeks before.

"Is that mine?" He asked after a while, nodding at the hoodie she was wearing and trying to bring the situation back to normal.

"Not anymore," she smirked.

He poked her side. "Clothes thief."

"You complaining?"

"No," he said, too seriously for their usual banter. "You can take whatever you want Hap, I'll give you everything."

Happy sighed, knowing Toby was not going to be able to move past his almost slip that night. "Come to bed numbnuts," she stood up and pulled him up with her. "Sleep on this, you'll feel better in the morning."

"I don't know what good I did to deserve you," Toby pulled her in for a kiss before moving. "I love you, Happy."

Happy looked up at him and saw him, actually _saw_ him- the man who had fought against every instinct inside of him to be here with her right now instead of some back alley, who she knew would do even more at her slightest hint, who loved her like she was more than the universe to him.

She wasn't sure of herself enough to say it back to him, but she also knew that she couldn't _not_ give him some sign of reciprocation, not after tonight, so she settled for the safest option for now.

"Me too."

* * *

 _8 months later_

"Toby?" Happy called out, but he didn't seem to hear her across the apartment. "Toby!"

"Yeah?" He answered back unsuspectingly, trying not to trip over the numerous boxes littering the living room as he walked over to her. "Look, if it's some old trinket you found underneath something, just throw it out before I see it again and get all sentimental, or no mover in the world will have enough boxes to-" he stopped abruptly as he saw her standing in front of the TV console, practically shaking as she held out a slip of paper in her hand.

"Oh my God, what's wrong sweetheart?"

"What," she swallowed, only just barely holding back her tears, "the _hell_ is this?"

"What is wha-" he walked over until he was just in front of her, taking the paper from her and studying the numbers and initials scribbled all over it. "Oh. Oops."

She scoffed harshly. "After everything, all this time, and that's all you can say? _Oops_?"

Toby looked back up at her from the paper and understood what about it had upset her so much. "Hap, it's not what-"

"It looks like?" She finished his sentence for him, her voice scathing. "Because I think I know exactly what it looks like."

He smiled softly, shaking his head as he tried to reach out to her, but as she tried to step back out of his reach, the back of her knees hit against the console and she sat down heavily on it. Toby took the chance to prevent her from running away, moving to kneel in front of her, free hand rubbing her thigh.

"Don't-" she managed to whisper, trying to push him away, but he stopped her and pressed a kiss to her palm.

"Sweetheart, just look at this again. You'll understand, I promise."

She reacted as if he had burnt her, scooting back further against the console.

Toby sighed, and got up to sit beside her, still not letting go of her hand. He lay the paper across their laps so she would be able to read it if she wanted to. "They're not game stats, my love, they're dates-"

"Oh, because _that_ makes it better." She all but spat at him, eyes glued to a random area of the floor.

"Love, please let me explain." He implored.

Happy looked up at him, the hesitation and fear he had worked so hard to get her to leave behind filling her again. Seeing traces of the old, uncertain, scared Happy bubbling up in her eyes hurt him more than any physical torture ever could. _Why didn't I just type it in my phone instead of making it look like an old bookie slip?_

When she spoke, her voice was softer than he had ever heard. "I don't know if I want you to, Toby."

He shut his eyes tightly to try and drown out the pain before speaking, trying to keep his tone as light as possible for her sake. "Here- October 25th 2008, March 10th 2009, May 26th 2009..." he started rattling off the dates, hoping she would catch on, and from the recognition lighting up in her eyes he could tell she was.

Happy risked a second glance at the paper, finally noting the patterns in the mess that her initial panic and hurt prevented her from seeing at first. "Wait…"

"Yeah," Toby smiled hopefully, "the first time we met, our first rooftop bitching session about Collins, the first time we actually started sharing our pasts with each other," he continued, matching the initials to the dates and spelling them out for her.

He watched her start to smile cautiously, before furrowing her brows again. "What's up with the cryptic writing then? Can't you remember these off the top of your head?"

"Of course I can, what else is the point of a 178 IQ?"

"170." She murmured, an almost instinctual response, biting her bottom lip but a hint of a smile leaking through anyway.

"Same diff," Toby nudged her shoulder playfully, before staring back down at the paper. "This wasn't exactly how I was planning it, but why not.

Her eyes held a million questions she couldn't ask out loud.

"I was collating all our moments," he said, gesturing to the list, "to see which date would be the best."

Happy glanced back down at the list, firsts that had seemed insignificant to her were carefully listed down in chronological order. _The first time they went out for lunch alone_ (because God knows the super-geniuses of Walter and Collins didn't need to eat, and then-teenaged Sly was still too scared of public places), _the first time they high-fived_ (and somehow invented that little hand clasping thing that since became their signature), _the first time visiting each other's apartments_ (when they _just needed to escape_ from the dark cloud that was Collins), _the first time Happy let him help her with a project_ (even if it was just to carry a skip plate that was taller than her), _the first time she let him treat her_ (after she messed around with some dubious scrap metal and almost got tetanus)…

"The best for what?" She asked eventually as she finally pulled herself out of the memories.

"To make a little 'look where we are now' speech," he said, taking a deep breath before continuing, "because what's a proposal speech without a little nostalgia, right?"

"What?" Happy breathed, her grip on their intertwined hands subconsciously tightening.

Toby saw her reaction as a worst case scenario and defaulted to another of his tangents to try and clear the air. "God, Hap I didn't mean to pressure you, I barely began thinking about it myself. I mean look," he gestured to the messy living area in front of them, "we're only just moving in together, there's still time to go before-" he yelped at Happy shoved his chest roughly.

"Don't you _ever_ scare me like that again. Did you not have a better way of doing this than making it look like a... _that_?" She gestured to the innocent paper that looked much more illegal at first glance.

"Well to be fair, you were the one who jumped to conclusions and-" she glared at him and he opted for the softer, safer route. "Look, I promised you that day that I was done with gambling, and I am. I know I wasn't perfect and it got messy and I don't know how or why you put up with that, but I swear to God I haven't touched anything to do with that since I burnt those stupid slips on the roof." He paused, his wisecrack defence mechanism coming up again.

"I mean I can't say I haven't touched _anything_ because I still use my old cards to show Ralph some magic tricks, but they're completely innocent and PG-rated and… Right. Got it." He made the wise decision to stop babbling as Happy stared at him.

"Happy," he said, his tone serious again as he shifted to take both her hands in his, "I love you, you know that right?" She nodded immediately, sure of that fact above anything else, and relief flooded him. "I'll never do anything to hurt you Hap, least of all something as stupid as reverting to the idiot I was back then. Please trust me?"

"Yes," she finally said after a few moments of silence, and the formality of her speech threw him off.

"Hmm?"

Happy rolled her eyes good naturedly as she always did with him, moving slightly to throw her legs over his lap. "I'm not saying to book the venue or anything, because that would make this the lamest proposal in history, but eventually when you do make up your mind on when and where to ask… you don't need to be nervous of the answer." She finished, smiling up at the expression of blank shock on his face that always seemed to show every time she initiated a major step forward in their relationship.

"Really?' Toby's voice was barely above a whisper, unable to believe what she had just told him.

Happy smirked, shifting further onto his lap. "Don't let this affect whatever plan you were thinking about, just that you know my answer already."

"Love, I-"

"Nobody has ever done a fraction of what you have done for me, Toby. I'm in this just as deep as you are, for just as long, you hear me? And I do trust you, with more than I even knew I had. We both have our bad pasts, but don't let them affect our future, okay?"

"God, sweetheart, you have no idea how long I've been dreaming about this," he smiled, almost crying, pressing his hand to the back of her head to pull her closer into him.

She laughed and shook her head against his chest, needing to lighten the atmosphere. "Are you kidding me? I could practically feel you planning our wedding for _months_ before I even kissed you the first time."

He blushed, "That obvious?"

"You have no idea, numbnuts," she rolled her eyes. "Though for some reason I didn't mind it as much as I thought I would."

Toby brightened considerably. "Oh? I mean, I knew your annoyance and throwing wrenches were just for show. You've always found my charm endearing, haven't you?" He grinned, looking beyond proud of himself, and Happy narrowed her eyes, already half regretting letting him know.

"Shut up."

"Nope." He popped the 'p', practically bouncing with excitement. "Wow, I always knew I was good, but this is just amazing."

"I said shut up. Unless you miss being single, Curtis?" She teased, lightly kicking his shin.

He shook his head emphatically, leaning down to kiss her. "I love you."

Happy smiled at how far she'd come, how far they'd come together, how easily the words rolled off her tongue now than a few months ago. "I love you too."

* * *

 _Woah, this is the longest one-shot I've ever written, so I really hope I managed to keep the characterizations and all okay... Please do tell me what you think, if you have a minute, comments really make my day :)_

 _Thank for reading and love you guys!_


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